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Earth Whispering

The Claws of the System

28/1/2019

17 Comments

 
I was awoken by an ethereal chime. Blinking, I rolled over in the warm nest of my duvet. It was my phone. A few muscles in my torso lurched and yanked themselves to attention, because I knew who it was. The foreign police office.
 
Hesitating a moment, I let the phone ring one more time while I gathered my wits and my words. It’s bad enough dealing with a bureaucrat when you’re fully conscious, but duelling with administration in a language you’re still rather inept at, when you’ve just woken up? I didn’t rate my chances too highly.
 
“Hola!” I tried to sound chirpy.
 
“Esta la señora Bingham?”
 
“Si si!”
 
And thus el señor Foreign Police Officer began to put me through my paces. “I’m sorry, we can’t accept this insurance policy,” he said. I repeated back to him to make sure I’d understood correctly. “No acceptan?”
 
“No.”
 
“Por qué?”
 
“Because there is a limit in this policy for the days in the ‘ospital. And no enough coverage for expenses.”
 
I was caught between teeth gnashing despair at the fact that I still – after three weeks of slog – hadn’t cleared the insurance hurdle in my residency gauntlet, and glee at the realisation that I had understood everything he’d said. At the very least, these dealings were good Spanish practice.
 
“So what is an acceptable limit for expenses?” I pushed on, determined to eke some irrefragable information out of the call.
 
“Hmm, no es concreto.”
​
“No es concreto? So how did you decide this policy wasn’t okay if there’s no concrete rule?” I sat up in bed and fought the urge to lob my phone at the door.
 
“Well, it’s a bit low.”
 
I breathed slowly and deeply, and tried to circle my opponent. “Right, so just for the sake of argument, roughly what figure would you count as not low?”
 
El señor of the pencil-pushers wasn’t so easily cornered. Politely and carefully, he voiced his conclusive response. “I don’t know.”
Picture
Bureaucratic ammo.
​Aghhh! I could feel something hot and bitter rising in my guts, so I dug my heels in a little deeper. Hell! At the very least I had to make a dent in the bureaucratic machine, wedge a small spanner in between its mindless whirring cogs, a toothpick even. “Right. But you must have seen insurances before and passed them. So can you tell me a company which offers health insurance that you like?”
 
There was a pause. El señor seemed to be scratching his head. “To be honest, I haven’t seen this before. Most of the people ‘ave official jobs or are students, so it’s different.”
 
I crashed back on my pillow and pulled my duvet up to my chin, before admitting defeat. I’d not even achieved the tiniest of chinks in the armour. Not so much as a scratch. When you’re an independent attempting to slip between the soul-shredding wheels of The System, you have to be nothing short of a ninja to find a gap. I hadn’t found it yet. Groaning to the very depths of my being, I hung up.
 
I’m no greenhorn when it comes to residency applications. This is the fourth I’m obtaining in my life, and it’s always a protracted kind of torture for an immigrant, because desk jockeys the world over live in an alternate universe in which neither reality nor humans matter. It’s a blip in the space-time continuum where the only truth is boxes on forms, ticks, stamps, and signatures.
 
As I flung the duvet back and huffed my way into the bathroom, I uttered a few expletives. Though I did still have my favourite weapon lurking up my dirt-filled sleeve. Stubbornness. If you can just hang on and keep pushing long enough, sometimes, just sometimes, even The System’s pistons break under the strain.
Picture
You have to be a ninja to slip through. Photo by Markus Schweiss CC BY-SA 3.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=238312
​The following week I trawled every insurance broker in the vicinity, collecting policies. The company whose policy I’d already signed up for agreed to change theirs to limitless days of hospitalisation too, all while shaking their heads and muttering that they’d issued at least three hundred of these to residency seekers and never seen a demand like this before. Soon I was ready. I flexed my fingers, limbered up, and prepared myself for my fourth trip to the big city in two weeks.
 
Now, government offices in Spain run on interesting timetables. In fact, everything in Spain does. Opening and closing times are arbitrary and idiosyncratic, the windows for action incredibly narrow. I’m surprised they haven’t made an app for it. “Esta ‘app’ierto?” is an opportunity just waiting for a Spanish techie. For building permits, for example, the office in my locality is open between exactly 11 a.m. and 1 p.m. on a Tuesday or Thursday. That’s it. Turn up on Friday, and you’re stuffed until Tuesday. The Foreign Police (an hour’s drive away) grace us with their mostly grumpy presence between 9 a.m. and 12 noon. I’m telling you, hitting these official slots requires dedication of focus.
 
Twas just over a week ago, and after a sleep-deprived drive through the rush hour traffic of Gijon, I parked up and began the now-familiar hike to the Foreign Police Department. It was freezing, the air caking onto my cheeks in icy wads. Soon enough, I was sitting on the half-broken chairs, clutching my number, along with a cohort of other disenchanted residency seekers: The Syrian sisters who cackled loudly behind me, the pretty Chinese student who glared in silent fury at the inefficiency, the young Nigerian chap who was so agitated he kept walking up to the desk, and then would be ordered to sit and wait a bit more. I’m an old hand at this game, but even so. All the Zen in the world doesn’t detract from the psyche-mauling truth that despite not being a criminal you’re wasting days of your life being treated like one. Days. Weeks. I tried not to think about it as I waited and waited and waited for my number to be called (because the electronic number system was broken and no one knew who was supposed to go when).
 
Finally my moment arrived. The weary young woman who inevitably supervises the extranjero desk sighed when she saw me, and I took some pleasure in that. Was I wearing her down? I thrust the five policies under her nose, and asked her which would be acceptable. She gathered the papers and disappeared behind a door, presumably to ask el señor of the early morning wake-up call.
 
Minutes passed. More minutes passed. I closed my eyes and meditated. Finally she returned.
 
“No. No. No. No.” The policies struck the desk one by one in disappointing thuds. She shook her head gravely, and then raised a couple of hairs in her right eyebrow. “But we could accept the old policy if they add ‘no limit of ‘ospitalization’ on it.”
 
“What about the expenses being too low though?” I asked.
 
She shrugged and cocked her head in the direction of the secret inner office. “He said it’s okay, but you must come back with this new policy, and a receipt from your bank to show you’ve paid it.” I nodded. And oh how happy I was, as I danced out of the Police Department for a coffee and a tortilla. Alas! My jubilation didn’t last long.
 
The next day I drove to my insurance broker (in another town in the wrong direction) to collect my documents. Now, I always try to be generous about people in my writing, but I’m afraid in this case exasperation wins. Hasan the insurance broker was one of the most incompetent lumps I’ve ever had the misfortune to deal with. Truly, I exaggerate not. It would take a good five WhatsApp messages to clarify exactly when he’d would be in his office, and even then I’d turn up and two out of three times he wouldn’t be there.
 
This time, after climbing the office stairs and pushing the 1980s shiny wooden door open, I was amazed to find the man actually in the office. He briefly flicked his head at me, and began distractedly printing off the new policy details while blabbing on the phone to his friend.
 
“I need a receipt,” I said, when eventually he hung up.
 
“You get it from the bank.”
 
“Yes but it was a week ago and the payment still hasn’t gone through! Can you call the company and find out why?”
 
“Oh it will happen, don’t worry.” Hasan waved me away.
 
So I waited another week. As you do. Nada. Not so much as a cent moving from my account. So I inhaled deeply, and made the journey yet again to Hasan’s office (the 7th so far), because if you don’t see people face to face, nothing happens. The rain was driving hard, and by the time I’d walked through the town, my jeans were wet through and my boots were squelching. I entered the wood clad room bedraggled and dripping. Naturally, Hasan wasn’t there. So I took a seat and explained my predicament to his colleague.
 
“How strange. The payment should have gone through. I wonder if there is a mistake,” the young woman said.
 
“I’m sure there is a mistake,” I replied, pulling off my coat and wondering if the steam billowing out of my ears was visible yet.
 
Hasan’s colleague scanned through the policy, soon pulling out the IBAN number of the account that had been charged. The problem was obvious even from my side of the desk.
 
“I don’t know where he got that number from, but it isn’t mine.”
 
“Not your IBAN?”
 
“No.”
 
At that moment, useless Hasan entered the office. His colleague waved the paperwork at him and expounded the details of his cock-up. Meanwhile a terrible feeling stole through me, because I thought I knew where Hasan had found that mistaken IBAN number. Flicking hastily through my bank transfer receipts which he was supposed to copy my account details from, I soon found the one I was looking for. I’m afraid, this is the moment I lost it.
 
There is only so much patience a human possesses. Only so much. Standing up, I pulled my index finger out, feeling six weeks of frustration rising up and pouring out through my eyeballs. “Look Hasan, you’ve copied my landlady’s IBAN number onto that policy instead of mine!” I so wanted to add, “you lazy, deficient half-wit!”, although I think that point was probably conveyed telepathically.
 
Hasan mumbled and blathered a bit, gaped at the numbers as though they were figures in some arcane sudoku puzzle, and finally said, “yes I see. You’ll have to call her and tell her to return the payment.”
 
“No Hasan.” I said, still standing. “You have to call her. Right now.”
 
He shifted and squirmed, before pulling out his phone. I could see the sweat forming around his hairline. His colleague lowered her head, and the room turned rather quiet. 
Picture
Structural collapse
That night I drove back to the coastal town I’m holed up in for winter, still fuming. The moon was full and eclipsed, or so I heard, because the Asturian sky was thickset with clouds rendering the more distant movements in the solar system invisible. As I walked to my door, I huddled to fend off the rain, which was driving even harder than before.
 
It was just before midnight when I peered out of my window and saw something odd sticking out of the river. It looked like a massive metallic elbow. Opening the latch for a better look, I realised the water level had risen preposterously high, and that the river was roaring. A crowd of people had gathered at the bank too. Something was afoot.
 
The rain continued to hammer down throughout the night. It was a gnashing snarl of a downpour, the likes of which I’d never witnessed here before. I awoke the next morning to see that the river had burst its banks and flooded the road. In fact, every major river in Asturias overflowed that day. Towns were evacuated. Roads closed. I saw the wayward metallic elbow was in fact the canoe jetty and gang plank which had been completely ripped out, and were swaying upended in the river.
 
As I gazed at the sheer power present in the cascade of the river, suddenly I felt grounded in a way I hadn’t for weeks. Because there is a higher authority than The System and its desk-bound army. There is a higher authority than the ruling elite, too. As I listened to the drum of the rain, I mulled it all over. I’ve spent six weeks (about three or four days a week), have driven over 1000 kilometres, and spent about 800 euros, trying to legalise my status. And I still don’t possess the idiotic photocard that The System erroneously thinks proves my existence.
 
Am I coming full circle? Because I’m remembering Mud Mountain, and why I shifted off-grid in the first place. There comes a point when the risk of being non-legal becomes far easier to survive than the pain of the bureaucratic process itself, you see. Once freedom has been tasted, you don’t opt for the chicken coop again, Europe, UK, or otherwise.
 
***
 
The tide has pulled back now. The water level has receded. But as I watch the resident flocks of white egrets happily taking advantage of the freshly wetted meadows, and the migrant storm petrels fishing (without papers) out at sea, I wonder how we humans got ourselves into this enslaved mess. My land is waiting just up the road with her three water sources, her bounteous earth, her wood to burn, her rocks to build with. She cares not a hoot about jurisdiction and cards and obedience. Her only demand is relationship.
 
Ah poor, old, decrepit System. Don’t cry if we leave you behind. You are unable to evolve, unable to adapt. Your steel claws are becoming blunter, your promises of security lamer by the day. How long before you lose us completely? How long?
Picture
Free water. And best of all I don't need to fill out a form to get it.
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17 Comments
Brigitte Muir link
29/1/2019 01:26:12 am

Thank you for sharing your experiences. Once again, you find the lesson and the will to keep going.. with the flow.

Reply
Jehane link
29/1/2019 10:53:27 am

Aptly said! Helps sometimes to be with others. A family? A group ?? Seems you like an intrepid loner, slashing through jungle hacking first Trail!
Being à Brit doesn't have some clout?
And YOU WILL GET WHAT YOU WANT!!!!!!!!

Reply
Atulya
29/1/2019 02:20:30 pm

Ah thanks Brigitte. Still wading through:)) And thank you Jehane. I don't think any amount of friends could help with the Foreign Police Dept. It's a lottery, and right now being a Brit in Europe doesn't look like a winning ticket. Not that it will stop me:)

Harriet Rowland
30/1/2019 05:03:40 pm

Oh dear, dear....this soooo took me back! I have just returned to the UK after fifteen years in a campo in the Spanish boonies. There is nothing on earth quite as exasperating as a Spanish funcionario or gestor of any kind and I remember the tears of frustration and anger...the needing to return to wherever at least five times with everything in triplicate and more! And even then, you forgot to mention that withing the narrow window of working hours is, of course, the leisurely desayuno! The UK is frustrating as well, in some ways, but both it and all the other countries I have lived in fail totally to come up to the sheer madness of the Spanish system! I'm looking at Canada next....best of luck...suerte chica..with your endeavours! Great piece, by the way🤣

Reply
Atulya
30/1/2019 06:58:35 pm

Cheers Harriet! Yes, I'm starting to think Spanish bureaucracy might even be worse than Turkish, which is saying something.

Reply
Ramona Ray
30/1/2019 05:11:04 pm

Sounds like old Mexico...
I spent more than 800 euros paid in pesos- to get my permanent residency. I had to renew every year for 5 years. And I grew up here in Baja Sur... long story.
I do believe he wants a bribe lolololo but that's a tricky issue jajaja. Oh lord.
Soon it will be over with and you can disappear into the rocks. No one bothers with me anymore. I pay my bills and have blended into the landscape. Pretty soon they will get distracted with another victim. Buena suerte amiga!

Reply
Atulya
30/1/2019 07:00:39 pm

Ha ha, nah bribing is kind of out nowadays in Spain (at least on this civic admin level, because hey if we're talking high level bribes then it's still functioning the world over). But as you say, this is the one bureaucratic hurdle left really, then I disappear:)) Hell, may be I should disappear anyway.

Reply
Hervé link
30/1/2019 05:38:03 pm

Harrowing bureaucratic experiences, vividly recounted. It reminds me some similar experiences with Social Security and Extranjeria when I settled down in Granada 6 years ago, however not as bad of course. Sooner or later, it will just be a bad memory :) good luck!

Reply
Atulya
30/1/2019 07:01:15 pm

Gawd! Everyone has a tale to tell huh? :))

Reply
Ardhan
30/1/2019 05:56:12 pm

I resonate strongly with your powerful descriptions of exasperation, rising anger and frustration. I thought the italian beaurocratic system was bad and the people working in it by enlarge useless, but your spanish officials sound far worse. I admire your savvy and tenacity, and your anger, which is needed sometimes to put a bomb under the widespread inertia and incompetence.
Here it is partly that the laws and associated taxes keep changing and those responsible for applying them can't or don't keep up, so you can go to three different officials and get three conflicting answers. If you just go to one to try and avoid getting confused, you can be sure that the advice or action you take will turn out to be wrong and wasted, if not downright illegal! You are obviously an old hand at this game (residency), and you hit the nail on the head when you say that the creeky old patriarchal system is just not fit for purpose any more. I have been living in Italy for 7 years now, with only a total of about 50 days p/a in the UK and driving my UK registered car on my UK licence. The local police haven't bothered me once. We are told that the Italians want us to come and spend our money into the local economy. They don't want to drive us out. Yet in your case its as though the Spanish want to make it as hard as possible. Would it be different if you were a wealthy retiree? Not that I am! In summary, I enjoy so much reading your blogs - both your rapturous ones, raving about the beauty of the land, and the ones reporting so honestly your struggles. Blessings for your determination and your way forward!

Reply
Atulya
30/1/2019 07:06:06 pm

Dearest Ardhan! Thank you for your super comment. Yes, I had all these good intentions when I left Turkey of becoming clean (er) and more legal. LOL! I guess it's back to what I know and do best. I haven't even got to the financial part of the application yet, so who knows? Though I think it's a bit the luck of the draw here to be honest.

Reply
Murphy
30/1/2019 07:37:49 pm

Having lived most of my life as an expat, I do understand unfathomable burocracy full of incompatibilities. But wouldn't Hasan have needed money from your account, and thus accidentally have taken money from your land lady (certainly much more troublesome for your relationship)? Why would he be paying someone to give you insurance, thus needing to beg her to return his money?

Reply
Atulya
30/1/2019 07:52:57 pm

That is exactly what happened. He took money from the wrong account! And because it wasn't my account I couldn't get the necessary receipt.

Reply
BacktoBodrum link
30/1/2019 09:04:21 pm

Who’d have thought that residency applications could be more complicated in Europe than Turkey

Reply
Atulya
31/1/2019 11:32:19 am

Yes, right now they're about neck and neck for first place. The best place in the world for paperwork is Taiwan. So so easy there.

Reply
sean
31/1/2019 10:05:29 am

Atulya. I have just had the pleasure of catching up with you r blog. I was especially taken with the lists and the seed planting and nurture. You have a wonderful way of writing which caught me when you were in Turkey. The reason I became a sustainer. keep up the wonderful writings. By the way bureaucrats are the same the world over. Here in Australia they are just not so blatant!!

Reply
Atulya
31/1/2019 11:34:57 am

Thank you so much Sean! It's really good to know that The Mud Home still resonates. And thank you for your support. Very much appreciated. One day I'll make it to your side of the world. So many friends there to catch up with.

Reply



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    Atulya K Bingham

    Author, Lone Off-Gridder, and Natural Builder.

    Books: Ayse's Trail (OBBL winner 2014) Mud Ball and Mud Mountain, Dirt Witch.

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