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  the mud on the road


The End of my Tether

29/4/2018

20 Comments

 
It’s the place we all try to avoid reaching. That point in space and time where we just can’t stand anymore. We’ve been patient. Chins up, chests out. Brave faces fixed firmly on the bright side. And then all of a sudden it’s enough. We’re at the end of our tether.
PictureThe Bay of Biscay hurling me back to the UK
Almost as soon as I put down a deposit on my new Eden, I sailed back to the UK to sell my van. And while I prepared her for a new owner, on the other side of the Bay of Biscay the slow cogs of Spanish property bureaucracy began to turn. Sometimes there is nothing to do but wait.

“It’s the holy pause as you enter into a marriage with the land,” one wise soul commented. What a perfect phrase, except despite my best intentions the pause hasn’t felt too holy. I’d almost say it felt damned at times. Days turned into weeks, and they turned into a month or more. Relentlessly, I tried to propel the many van-selling tasks into some sort of forward motion. They stuttered and spluttered, getting nowhere fast.

But in truth there was nowhere to go. Land deals are ambling affairs in Spain. Vans take time to sell. And even when you think otherwise, there is a proper and healthy moment for a bud to burst. And a tether to reach its end.

That’s what happened this week. Bam! The end of the rope was reached. I just couldn’t stand any more. The ‘civilised’ world with its petty rules, overcrowded roads, and myriad forms of mind torture and pollution. With its ugliness, its strip lighting and clanking supermarket trolleys. And the noise! The plastic! The crappy fabricated food! The empty babble of the TV news. The airless houses. The utterly pointless hustle. Is there anywhere you can walk and be guaranteed of solitude? Is there anywhere for a soul to breathe, and an imagination to have the space to take flight?

For the first time in many many years, I saw the dark tide of depression threatening. And I shuddered in its shadow. “Good grief! I must have re-joined the 'First' World," I thought.

Picture
Time to say good bye to Vanny.
Yet I’m one of the lucky (or particularly uncompromising) ones, sliding as I am past the tentacles of The System. It’s a temporary exile after all. But I don’t belong here. Like a large cat in a well-maintained zoo enclosure, I am well-fed, yet famished. I am comfortable yet suffering. When I read that the use of antidepressants in Anglo-Saxon countries hovers around the 10% mark, I’m amazed. Is that all? How do the other 90% cope? Alcohol? Sugar?

Yet it’s always at the point you think you can’t stand any more, that something happens. Tether’s End is a place we have to attain if we want absolute clarity on ourselves and the world we inhabit. It is the cry of our soul that refuses to patch over or make do. It’s the call of the wild.

As I peer through the darkness, the tip of something beautiful becomes visible. A branch of an ash tree. A red cabana roof. A stone-strewn slope rolling green and lush into the cleavage of a brook. My new land in northern Spain. How clearly she gleams in the pitch of the tunnel. And in an instant I grasp my lesson.

A property purchase is always tense, always fraught with self-doubt and misgiving. Have we chosen well? Have we read the signs properly? Is there some terrible secret we are yet to uncover? A nuclear power station over the hill, or some legal stranglehold we were unaware of? Back in Spain in February, I suffered a few sleepless nights before I committed to my rugged beauty. Because so much was at stake. Most of my money was invested in her, so I would have no easy way of changing my mind, should I want to. There were questions forever gnawing at me, and when one was satiated, another stuck its teeth in.
Picture
One important choice I had to make was whether to opt for a smaller plot that I could build a mud house on, or a large piece of land with a stone cabana lost in the wild. I chose the latter; a space just outside a national park with no neighbours and plenty of mountains. But the devil’s advocate inside me always wondered if I’d regret it.

Here at Tether’s End, all doubt evaporates. How loudly the ash tree calls to me from the other side of the Bay of Biscay. How perfectly wild and free the land is. How quiet and self-protecting. In my dark hours, she is speaking to me. Soothing me and supporting me. And if she’s speaking now, when I return she will surely sing.

The good thing about Tether’s End is that once you reach it, you know movement isn’t far behind. An immense tension builds when we strain against our ropes, and the friction forces action. Within days of hitting my nadir, I had bought a cheaper and smaller camper, sold my large van, and booked my ferry ticket to France.

The holy pause is over, and I’ve broken my tether. It’s time to go home.
Picture
She is calling.
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20 Comments
Kit SPRINGS
29/4/2018 08:28:09 pm

Hi Atulya,
Oh boy, do I empathize! We are in the middle of putting together our solar shed, with all of the solar gizmos, and a cobwood addition to our shipping container tiny house. We would have gone a different direction but we had some serious monkey wrenches thrown our way that meant we had some rethinking needed about our building. (Health issues) So trying to do things slower, for me means I will still be around to do it. 👍

I look forward to hearing what's new in the coming weeks. But for now, I am headed to go pick up a load of cordwood for the addition. We get it free from the local sawmill. It works for both of us, he gets room on his pile and we get free already debarked wood for our walls. 😎

Blessings.

Reply
Atulya
30/4/2018 03:24:08 pm

Seems I'm not the only one being slowed down. But cordwood is beautiful. That will be wonderful Kit.

Reply
Kit Springs
30/4/2018 05:17:39 pm

Yes, cordwood still sooths those natural building cravings. Isn't it awesome just how well the universe provides, when we are open and listen? The little mill is less than a mile from my location. And we will have a strawbale thick cordwood, for the cost of transport and effort.
I do hope you being able to heading home is doing it's magic on your psyche. Love.

Ramona Meng
30/4/2018 06:15:08 pm

Hang in there friend, good things come to those who wait. And it's true. I would love to donate to the cause, but I think I'm poorer than you lol. So far I've managed to continue my project, which at 66 years of age and many physical problems is quite a challenge, but I just plug away, I'm having a blast. People are giving me things. Lead glass windows, glass block, window frames, glass, palm fronds for my roof and lathe I make with the stems that are called vástago here in Mexico.
I'm hoping to sell a house where i used to live and cross your fingers soon and then I will share!! Lol
Don't despair, if you read my story you would think your problems are nada, buena suerte amiga! Ya vas a empezar a hablar Español!

Reply
Atulya
30/4/2018 11:41:44 pm

My problems are indeed nada. Good luck with your house sale Ramona!

Camilla
30/4/2018 09:49:30 am

Beautifully written! And boy, do I know that feeling of pushing and shoving to make events happen and happen faster and the damn things just. won´t. move!

I think one of the great aspects of growing older ist the ability to recognize that "Tether´s End" feeling - like OK, I´ve been here before, and I know this, too, will pass...

Breathe. Let go. Trust.
And then watch the magic unfold <3

Reply
Atulya
30/4/2018 03:25:32 pm

Yes, that is true Camilla. And it's often when you give up that it all just slots into place:)

Reply
Lis
30/4/2018 03:27:14 pm

Yes....she beckons...your embrace...

Reply
Atulya
30/4/2018 03:27:54 pm

Love.

Reply
Geoff
30/4/2018 04:05:47 pm

A simple wish for your new beginnings.

Perhaps a little sign on the perimeter of your land, your new home, with the message "tethers end here."

Reply
Atulya
30/4/2018 11:42:21 pm

I LOVE that! Ha ha, it's perfect.

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Philippa Rees
30/4/2018 05:10:29 pm

Was waiting to hear that tether's end found additional rope. It all looks quite wonderful.

You remind me of my regretted self when I was able to find that kind of courage.

All the very best P

Reply
Atulya
30/4/2018 11:43:53 pm

Wish I could meet that 'regretted' self. I think we'd get on:))

Reply
WinterStar
30/4/2018 09:15:40 pm

Wow! You have “nailed it” soooo eloquently! I know that feeling too well.
Over decades, I’ve learned, if the path set out on develops too much resistance, no matter the source, but more the severity...that one usually needs to seriously revise what path they’re on. The size/scope/duration of whatever the resistance issues are, usually determines how different a path to take.
The old adage of “take the path of least resistance”, absolutely applies as probable best course of action...though, sometimes that can also be complicated.
That is exactly what we had to do about 4 years ago. We’d owned 10 acres of rural land, about 10 to 20 miles from nearest shopping or services. Things started going nicely, progress was being made, despite niggly little issues....then, Life _really_happened:
...my aging mom begged to come live with us [shoulda been OK, right? Nope]; & the 2 of us started experiencing health issues which may or not be OK that far from help; our disabled kid and roommate were being priced-out of low-income rentals, and cannot deal with HUD paperwork [as-if that’s available!].
The Mom thing, for 6 years she stayed with us, started complicating things with neighbors, landlord, started undermining our best efforts, & undoing 25 years of carefully laid connections & community.
Things got to be too much. If there was ever a “Mercury Retrograde” perfect-storm-of-adversities pushing all our efforts off-the-rails, this was IT.
We had been casually looking for other locations, in 4 counties; we’d started “planting seeds” trying to convince our kids it’d be better for all if she shared a place. But, saw little to fit the necessary criteria.
Finally found one; it was the “best” of the ones seen in over 7 yrs of casual to moderately focused looking. By that time, the kids had also come around to thinking house-sharing would be a guid idea--took that long for those “seeds” to grow.
Time was running out, by all indicators, so we went for it, despite some issues [like, air quality, & the HOA]
It seemed there might be ways to improve the 30+ yr. old money pit for energy efficiency, & the biggest air quality issue may be resolve in time, if we can just cope that long.
We were hit with a litany of big-ticket repairs from the beginning. I hate being in that spot...but stuff’s getting done.
It took me sporadic 1 or 2 hr. forays, using insufficient tools, over 2 years, for me to re-grade a new driveway along one side of the house, to resolve a drainage issue, & an access issue...got about 25’x10’ of it done, & ran out of steam. The biggest grade loomed ahead.
So, I hired a couple of passing Guatemalens [apparently, none born here, even unemployed and hungry, are willing to work harder than a nearly 70 y.o. Those 2 whacked out the worst of that in about 4 hours...another 25’ basically done. The bit left, is small potatoes...I think I can handle that!
There’s still a number of big-ticket repairs.
This summer, I think we’ll be fabricating Low-tech solar air & fluid heat systems...at least get something up and running for next cold season, which should hopefully drop our winter Grid bills to more manageable, and cost vastly less to make/put in place, than the Heat Pump Minisplit systems.
We ALMOST suckered for one of those Grid-tied solar installations being promoted: only, that would have immediately been another “mortgage payment” on top of everything else...no savings really, until about 8 years later. Those are really, really, enticing, but the more they talked, the more it felt like there was something inherently very hinky in their offers...no matter what company. [Like: Grid Tied, so not being fully reimbursed value / Smart Meters surveillance of far too much / can’t always get Fed rebate unless one can file for Deductions / they promise systems will make -zero-Utility bills, then switch to “might cover up to about 45% of utility costs”, etc.]
So, our slow-mo, less costly option, is to take [1] high-use room at a time off-grid, using one of those solar “generators” [growing numbers of them these days, such as Goal Zero, Kodiak and others]; plug’n’play units.
We’ve been making changes to the place flying under radar as much as possible. That way, it’s portable, we own it outright, and, it absolutely will lower Grid use.
I may need to rehire those Guatemalans, to help dig a large cistern...here, they must be hidden from view/awareness, entirely. But saving water on-site, is extremely important for environment, and health, since Muni H2O is contaminated with so much stuff...of course water filtration/treatment is critical, too.
During last 3+ years, air quality has been really bad, randomly. Can’t leave windows open, un

Reply
Atulya
30/4/2018 11:54:40 pm

Flipping heck Winter, it's making me tired just to read about it. I hope to God you get it all sorted out. Yes I too prefer to follow the flow, and then darn it, you hit a waterfall:))

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WinterStar
1/5/2018 12:11:32 am

Yep. Sometimes we get real lucky, right?
Oddly, last May, we DID have the proverbial waterfall...an EPIC wind/rainstorm [no global warming, right?], which blew through here, such that no gutter system on the planet could handle.
I tried to take pics of that event, but couldn’t even get out the door, for the literal “Niagara Falls” heaving over the gutters! Wind was blowing that waterfall back into the porch area, a 4’ x 10’ space, drenching the otherwise well-sheltered front door.
If I’d have stepped out there, an instant cold-soaking would have happened.
But overall, the list of needs here area fulfilled. SOMEthing’s clearly changed, if only temporarily? with the emissions fro next door. So, we be patient, and, work towards sustainability. And, I still hope to build an earthbag bldg...and cover it with living roof.
Your guidance for others is so wonderful!

Adrian
2/5/2018 03:28:49 pm

Hugs..

Reply
Atulya
2/5/2018 11:38:25 pm

Back at you Adrian!

Reply
Wairimu
2/5/2018 05:49:30 pm

"The ‘civilised’ world with its petty rules, overcrowded roads, and myriad forms of mind torture and pollution. With its ugliness, its strip lighting and clanking supermarket trolleys. And the noise! The plastic! The crappy fabricated food! The empty babble of the TV news. The airless houses. The utterly pointless hustle. Is there anywhere you can walk and be guaranteed of solitude? Is there anywhere for a soul to breathe, and an imagination to have the space to take flight?"

This is such a perfect description!!! Oh the noise, bright lights and plastic!
I have often found myself asking these same questions.
Thank you so much for sharing this and all your experiences.
My partner follows your blog religiously and through him we have followed you on your journey. We embarked on a similar journey a few years ago and the beginning has not been easy, to say the least. We have delighted in your many successes. You have given us a lot of insight and hope.
Wishing you the very best.

Reply
Atulya
2/5/2018 11:42:37 pm

Oh wow! Thank you Wairimu, it's always special to learn of another like mind out there holding the space in another corner of Gaia. Yes, sometimes it's not easy striking out and building your own world. But it's a lot lot better than the plastic, airless, lifeless excuse for life offered back in the clutches of The System. Perhaps that's what I had to remember.

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    Atulya K Bingham

    Author and Natural Builder.
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