For years I refused to have a dog because I assumed it would tie me down. Trap me. Limit my freedom. Then I fell in love with Mud Mountain and my ardour for the road evaporated. “Might as well have a dog,” I said, “I’ll be here at least ten years.” Ha! How unpredictable the autoroutes of fate. How quickly they twist from the expected to the unimaginable. My dog was never a tie. She was an inspiration. ********************** Late January As we pulled out of the port town of Saint Malo, happily hugging the right-hand lane again, the horizon blushed pink. Dawn filled the French sky with strawberry dreams. Beside me on the passenger seat, the crusty heads of a baguette and a tarte aux pommes poked out of paper bags. My co-pilot Rotty ignored them. She had more important things on her mind. Her nose was pressed against the passenger window drawing translucent streaks onto the glass. I glanced at the back of my dog’s head, the fur running in perfect rivulets between her ears, and I marvelled at it all. Because do you know what? If truth be known, I’ve never really liked motorhomes. Too cramped. Too modern. Too technological for a mud witch like me. Formica worktops and vanilla décor. All this squeezing past this to get to that. No. It’s never appealed. I’ve always travelled light, with a rucksack. Free as a bird flitting from this place to that. There is only one reason I am motoring round Europe rather than backpacking. Only one place the idea actually emerged from. My dog. Last year, as my journey across Europe dragged itself out of the fog of dreams and into the forecourt of a plan, I realised I needed an automobile of some description. Planes are stressful for animals. Coaches generally won’t carry them. Many guesthouses don’t accept dogs, and if they do you pay extra for the privilege. One idea led to another. My mind took the clay form of a car into its synaptic hands and molded it into a van. The van grew bigger, higher, and eventually became a small motorhome. I watched the advantages of a home on wheels stack up: Accommodation is pricey in Europe. It was an inexpensive way to live and simultaneously travel. Now at last here we were, driving en France, stone farmhouses rolling across verdant croplands. orchards and cobbled villages flicking by like something snipped straight out of Jean de Florette. I gasped as the pastures of Brittany parted for us. The sun scudded into the sky, gilding the fields and the leafless trees. Foot pressing lightly on the gas pedal, I wallowed in the singular contentment one feels when faced with an empty highway and fantastic weather. Ah c’est belle la France, quoi? The autoroute signs flashed overhead; Rennes, Nantes, La Roche sur Yon. The days flashed by likewise. Sometimes my Sat Nav knew the way. Sometimes it didn’t. Whenever I got lost, I would stop at a patisserie to ask directions, while stocking up on croissants and Paris Brest. But it was cold, and our holy grail was warmer weather. Thus we chugged on, past Rochefort, Bordeaux, and through the forests of Gascogne. We overnighted in campsites with frozen water pipes, in muncipal car parks, at the edges of icy lakes decked with mallards and herons. It was an adventure. And I loved it. As we motored toward the Atlantic coast, my heart brimmed with happiness. I thanked my dog; for the company, for the home on wheels, and for setting me free. She was my constant in a year of upheaval. The being I spent most time with, day in, day out. The love she inspired within me, amazed me. We understood each other better, and spent more quality time together than a good many couples. For there are no words with an animal, no lies and few expectations, only patient observation. And an unwavering by-your-sideness that is arresting. Pulling into Mimizan, I parked by the seafront and inhaled the strange cerulean of the Atlantic. Surf shops littered the coastline. Barnacles and mussels gripped the black backs of the rocks. Suicidal waves hurled themselves at the shore, splattering into a lather. Rotty pushed her ears back and ran into the freezing wind. She rolled on the frost-coated sand, while the tide of destiny pulsed. Yes, little did I know that late January morning, but a dark seed had germinated within my dog. Little did I know, her kidneys were weak, the Leishmania parasite poised. Little did I know within three weeks I’d be cradling her in my arms as she took her last, rasping breaths.
As I sit here in the future crawling through the darkness, gone are the pink skies of France. Gone are the golden hills and the holy grails. Now, the only thing I can see is my ignorance. If there is a road to be travelled it evades me. If there is a map, it’s out of date. For the Sat Nav of life has sent me somewhere I don’t want to be, to a place without light or sign posts, where platitudes are chewed on by the wolves of grief, and advice flails as uselessly as a paper sword. I am lost. Do I stop here? Reverse? Abandon the wheels and walk? I don’t know. And neither does anyone else. Except perhaps time.
65 Comments
Daniela
23/2/2017 11:09:36 pm
Dear Atulya, I am so sorry. Unfortunately I've been down that road and the only comforting thing I can say is that time will do its job. You will never forget that unique bond and the privilege to experience it in your lifetime. I am so sorry, take care.
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Atulya
25/2/2017 01:52:30 pm
Thank you Daniela. Yes. Time. I just amended the last line, two days on as the edge is taken a little off the rawness.
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Leila
26/2/2017 12:53:49 am
Time indeed.
Richard Darrah
25/2/2017 03:34:53 pm
Atulya, if you want love, get a puppy.
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Darla
25/2/2017 02:57:00 pm
I lost my little Beagle Bayly a month ago. I could say I know how you feel, but I won't, because your grief and pain are your own. I can only say I'm sorry, and I agree, time erodes the jagged edges. I'm glad you had each other and that priceless "by-your-sideness." I love that phrase, and your moving tribute.
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Natalia Tune
25/2/2017 02:59:36 pm
Oh Atulya. I feel for you and I'm sending you some healing energy. Losing a dog is one of the most difficult things to go through. I know the feeling. Grief and regret take over for a time. That's the worst. Hopefully soon she will simply land in a warm place in your heart and you'll feel strong enough to start a new relationship with another animal. Sage and love and all my condolences.
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l8in
25/2/2017 03:03:36 pm
hugs atulta.
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Christie Capin
25/2/2017 03:04:53 pm
Atulya, my heart breaks for you- I loved reading your posts. Losing a sweet soul like Rotty is devastating - truly. But you gave Rotty enough love, care and adventure for a lifetime. Don't give up. And some day - maybe soon, another will show up needing you. I think that the greatest tribute to those dogsouls - is that you keep giving that love they showed you so unconditionally to another. I'm so sorry for your loss.
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Ann
25/2/2017 03:27:49 pm
Pleased to read your blog. Not an easy time for you, I know the pain of losing a canine soul mate. Time is a great healer, difficult to accept in early days but you will get there. Remember the good times the joy snd love she gave you. Much love and hugs x
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Melissa
25/2/2017 03:34:23 pm
Dear Atulya,
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Donna Trimble
25/2/2017 03:39:06 pm
Kerry. To have a companion who loves & devotes so unselfishly is an earned privilege. I have read that a dog will hang on until he/she know it's master is safe before passing on. His/her world is to protect master. They are so unselfish & are here to teach great love. Take care hon. Perhaps another time another body you will find one another one again
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Richard Darrah
25/2/2017 03:41:11 pm
Hello Atulya, if you want love, get a puppy. If you want lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of love, get two puppies!♡♡♡♡♡
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Philippa Rees
25/2/2017 03:44:14 pm
I weep for you. Know how desolate and vacant it feels. My Milly died and you may have read this https://involution-odyssey.com/2014/10/20/dog-days-eclipse/
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Victoria Baker
25/2/2017 06:23:02 pm
Yes, Atulya, I am very sorry for your loss. And yes, Philippa, I too have had both dogs and cats return in a new form and insist on proving it to me when I wasn't looking for it to be true, even tho it's happened before. It definitely happens. But, one must not try to make it happen, the right animal will come. That's my belief. May I say, that is a profound piece of validation/confirmation you experienced with the dog tag. WOW! Right now, all of this is probably too much for Atulya to consider, but we're written our words of encouragement here for her to refer to if she wishes.
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Philippa Rees
25/2/2017 07:52:35 pm
I only mentioned the 'return' Victoria in the hope of comforting Atulya about continued survival, and possible reunion. I certainly never expected anything of the kind but the 'signals' she sends out of familiarity ( finding two shoes- always two not one, placing them o my bed and resting her head on them) and as a new puppy knowing that dashing upstairs to a particular window would afford her a view of the entrance in a house 'she' had never been in! I feel life must feel unbearable for Atulya right now- and after Rotty's miraculous return for this to happen! Life is nothing but curved balls and yet somethings suggest there are straight ones we cannot always see. 25/2/2017 03:49:31 pm
My heart is breaking along with you. I am soooo sorry! Please do not beat yourself up over this....leishmaniasis is a very insidious disease that's difficult to catch in time. And do be aware that it's zoonotic....it can be transferred to people too, so watch for symptoms in yourself. Keep checking your lymph nodes for increased size. For some, getting another dog helps the healing process. For others, you need time to grieve first. Don't get another dog or puppy until you're ready! I hope the travel will help, and I am just so so sorry!
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Hatice Durak
25/2/2017 03:54:46 pm
I am so sorry Atulya... :'(
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Tom
25/2/2017 03:58:45 pm
So sorry ta hear about your K-9 companion/ friend/ soulmate,I think eventually you'll need a replacement. ... Condolences and prayers.
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Katie
25/2/2017 03:59:53 pm
I have an idea for you. This story reminds me of a movie called the way an estranged father goes overseas to collect his sons ashes and ends up picking up his backpacking trip and spreading his ashes along the trip. You should continue because you already have the motor home hopefully you can get the poor Rotty cremated and you can continue on your journey and leave a little bit here and there to remember your time together and the happy days.
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Marijke Woelfel
25/2/2017 04:13:53 pm
Dear Atulya,
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Dearie, I have lived with dogs, and with cats. I now live with a bonny wee kitty who is the boon of my life. Each time I lost a beloved companion I was devastated, and only time could heal; yet, in its way, grief continues quietly on in the memories which are bitter sweet. It is a part of life. My prayers and thoughts for you and Rotty. Travel on.
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Ann Thijs
25/2/2017 05:08:26 pm
Oh Atulya, I saw your post on Facebook some days ago... So sad you lost Rotty... Sending you lots of love and light for no words right now can ease the pain of losing your beloved companion. And when you stay true to your core, your path will become clear again... Hugs, x
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Jen Cronk
25/2/2017 05:25:05 pm
Atulya I have had many furry loves...and lost many....the pain with each has been different as the love and journeys we each went on. You will rebound and hopefully open your heart to another love/companion. Love and hugs, thank you for taking us all with you on your path.
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John
25/2/2017 05:47:01 pm
I'm sorry about your loss, I have been through it a few times and it is never easy. Dogs become our best friends at times, the most loyal best friend one can have. I just wished they lived longer, like 80 years......
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Giles Cooper
25/2/2017 05:48:56 pm
I wish you all strength to carry on and live and love again! I still miss our dog rusty who died in 2014 and was truly a member of the family like any of us. It is a huge loss. He was the fifth great dog in my life and I live in hope that there will be another before I'm gone! They are all wonderful and totally dedicated companions. All strength Atulya
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Jaana
25/2/2017 05:50:19 pm
O Atulya, so very sorry.
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Tim
25/2/2017 05:51:30 pm
My thoughts are with you, the loss of a pet is awful. Writing worked for me after Cloddie, our beloved ginger mog, died. I wrote for Catnip Chronicles for a couple of years. It helped. I wish you well.
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Ruby Blanchard
25/2/2017 06:21:49 pm
Dear Atulya, words cannot express how sad I feel for you losing Rotty. Loss of an animal companion, friend, and loving pet are devastating to most.
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Amanda
25/2/2017 06:23:30 pm
I am so sorry.it is heartbreaking when a beloved dog die, this has happened to me a few times, the last before Christmas.time does ease the loss a bit,but try and be gentle on yourself now.
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Nancy Ruggeri ( Pippo )
25/2/2017 06:33:49 pm
Of Grieve and grieving all I know is this: Sink into it, cry every tear, feel every ounce of anger, leave nothing inside!! Do as violently as a bull in a china shop. Its not suppose to be pretty or valiant ! do not do it slowly but as quickly and spontaneously as you can. If you dont do it quickly and just let go, its a like slow leak that never ends, a type of death that takes you to the abbess of a dark place , it becomes exhausting. Whether its your best beloved pet or a human. I lost my mother and that same year, lost 3 beloved pets as well. At the time I had to deal with her estate, little as it was, things had to be arranged, plus the search for gainful employment and maintaining my home, there was little time to spare for mourning of any kind, I thought well this is life, the circle of freaking life and life does not stop until it finally all came to a head and three and half years later I am finally realized and dealing it with it. No matter what our thoughts are about death and the after life, loss is loss. No one expects you to answer, no worries. Frankly , no one expected you to write but so glad you did , as in your usual way, you told of your journey, your path...this was never a trip but you know that now..something deeper is at hand and your being lead to it. God Bless you .
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LT
25/2/2017 06:53:15 pm
So sorry for your loss. The future you will recognize that it was all meant to be. The motor home will lead you to your next life mate, maybe human, maybe animal pet, but doen the road it will happen.
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Ted
25/2/2017 07:14:16 pm
The sense of loss is deep within your words. I am sorry your companion is no longer by your side. Seeing the last breath and feeling life ebb away is such a hard experience. These companions of ours provide a presence that words do not fully capture, yet when they are gone only our hearts can mourn with cold expressions. The life around you can provide a measure of comfort. For while the pain you feel leaves the heart darkened, it is within the darkness that hope lies within. The seeds of life anew will soon reach through to the light. The memories of the journey shared with your dog will accompany you along new paths to walk. I wish you well.
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Geoff
25/2/2017 07:16:44 pm
Such sad news.
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Nelson Edwards
25/2/2017 07:31:01 pm
Having loved a wonderful dog makes loving the next one easier and deeper. Live on!
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Dianne
25/2/2017 08:09:41 pm
What an beautiful heart felt piece of writing. I feel your pain and share your tears. I can see dear Rotty that early morning you left Adrasan playing in the garden with Sufi and the puppies. She was so full of vigour, so happy as if she knew she was going on a journey. I can't even imagine Kerry without Rotty so yes you will feel lost for a while until something makes you find your feet again and show you the way forward.
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'Do I stop here? Reverse? Abandon the wheels and walk? I don’t know.'! The rivers we cross and trials n tribulations we face, and how we handle them is the part of life which defines who we are, You have done an excellent job to date with your absorbing story creativity, and will find your way, which I hope will include your genius stories of progression. Rotty is in your mind and heart which is something that time can't erase, hang in there, and God spede....Love your work, Mike
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Kerry
25/2/2017 10:15:29 pm
I am so very very sorry to hear of your loss. I completely understand the devastation. I lost one of my dogs on 2 January this year. I am now In my caravan on holiday with my two remaining dogs, determined to love and hold them and have as much fun as possible as they get older and prepared to leave. I know I will be devastated when they go, and I think like you I will have no idea what to do from then on. The hole in your life left by Rotty will stay, because nobody and nothing can replace her. But I like to think with my Nell now, and with Norton and Harry in the future, that their love and their transformative impact in my life will stay always. And maybe their absence will create a space in my life and my heart for other dogs who need love. Or maybe the absence will become food for something new. I know these are platitudes really, in the face of how you feel right now. But it is true that time will bring healing… thinking of you and of Rotty...
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Pat
25/2/2017 11:01:14 pm
Atulya..I am so sorry for your loss. Our non-human family members just crawl right into our hearts, and break them when they leave us. I have lived with cats dogs and horses in my 62 years and it hurts to lose them. But they offer so much love while here with us. Remember Rotty with love, and be gentle to yourself.
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Deborah
25/2/2017 11:14:24 pm
I am sorry for your loss. I do know the pain of losing a much loved dog. I have been without my friend and greatest supporter for a while now and it still stings. Courage and safe travels, Deb
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26/2/2017 01:28:42 am
So sorry for your loss. I will soon be facing a similar loss, as my girl is nearing the end of her journey on this planet. Sending you hugs and wishes for safe travels.
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Roz
26/2/2017 01:31:53 am
Dear Atulya,
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julane jazzique
26/2/2017 02:59:58 am
I'm so sorry.
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Halston
26/2/2017 03:11:10 am
My heart goes out to you. My service dog is a Turkish Kangal and makes many things in my life possible. She is also my constant companion and protector.
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Ed
26/2/2017 06:19:25 am
I wonder what Rotty will be in her next life !
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Akin
26/2/2017 06:41:21 am
It is the wonderful times spent together what matters now and the love you felt for each other. I am so sorry to hear that Rotty is gone.
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Brian
26/2/2017 09:17:23 am
You have coped with the death of your mother in a most remarkable way and there is no reason to believe that you won't overcome this tragedy too.
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Sandi Berumen
26/2/2017 10:07:06 am
Aaah, my dear Aytula my heart goes out to you and I know the pain of Rotty's passing is overwhelming and all consuming -- Rotty was not just a dog, but your family and constant companion. Being single I know my "children" gave me the strength to maneuver through each day and made those day to day challenges so much easier to face and deal with. They give unconditional love and are non judgemental. Go with the grief right now and mourn as you need. God is with you, as are all your friends out here on the internet, -- I think we all feel a little of the pain because we have been with you on your journey. I know you will find your way and when the time is right a new companion will find their way to you and that circle will once again be complete. In the meantime you are in my prayers and thoughts and know that a part of Rotty is still with you. God Bless you Aytula, take care of yourself and stay safe.
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Alyn
26/2/2017 11:57:41 am
So very sorry for your loss. May she return to you in her new life.
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Deb
26/2/2017 12:34:51 pm
Oh Kerry,
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Sara Crowe
26/2/2017 01:03:30 pm
This morning we went to the beach we visited at New Year with you and Rotty and I thought of her and of you and made my quiet offerings to sky and earth and the four winds for you both.
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Merete
26/2/2017 01:03:45 pm
❤ A day will come... 😘❤
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John
26/2/2017 03:20:01 pm
Dear Atulya, I am so sorry. I have a pet of my own who is 10 this year and showing signs of decline. My heart goes out to you...
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Andrew
26/2/2017 05:41:41 pm
One word: Vermont.
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Dear Atulya,
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Cliff
27/2/2017 12:02:37 am
As a dog lover (we truly are not worthy to "own" these wonderful spirits, we are just temporary caretakers) I have said good bye to far too many of them, so I grieve for your Rotty.
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Janette
27/2/2017 12:18:08 am
When I read through the comments, there is a thread of compassion for how you are feeling right now. You're not alone. In fact, you are blessed to have experienced such a wonderful friend and companion. I, too, miss my best friend, Miss Lilly. She was my everything. She always will be, as Rotty will be for you.
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Laura B.
27/2/2017 12:37:45 am
Dear Atulya,
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Melisa
27/2/2017 08:01:31 am
Keep the wheels.
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Claire
27/2/2017 12:37:41 pm
Kerry, I am so sorry. We're thinking of you and sending love and hugs your way.
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28/2/2017 02:06:57 pm
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Danielle Verbakel
1/3/2017 05:22:28 pm
So sorry for your loss. The love of animals is really unconditional and pure. And no matter how hard loosing them is, it's still better than not having experienced it at all, I think. They can teach us many things, as you have experienced too I'm sure. As for what to do now, just keep listening to your heart, like always. It will come up with am answer. Sending you lots of love from Turkey. <3 <3 <3
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Atulya K Bingham
4/3/2017 02:56:57 pm
Thank you to everyone for these beautiful comments. So much compassion, so many pets loved and lost. So many wonderful souls out there. I couldn’t reply to the correspondences in person, but I gratefully read each comment and email sent to me.Thank you all for your gifts: poems, feelings, shared experiences, tales of pets returning in other forms. So many perspectives on losing an animal friend. So much shared grief and support. Love to you all.
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Linda Alkire
13/4/2017 04:44:15 am
Dear Atulya, I Felt your pain as I read your words, Head in hands reaching out, Experience knows that pain shared lessons the burden a bit. today I reach out across the miles that separate us to share in your memories and your grief. Your words of Love is all that remains.
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Atulya K BinghamAuthor and Natural Builder. Many thanks to the patrons sustaining this site on Patreon.
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