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The beginning.

Leaving the Mud Womb

10/5/2016

34 Comments

 
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 It’s not like me to write two posts in a month, but then things are changing. When were they not?

There was such a heart-felt response to the bulldozer incident, I wanted to convey better what is happening. Because I sensed I had failed somewhat in my last post. As I scrolled down the comments, both on social media and on the blog itself, I was honoured at the extent people cared. I don’t know why, call it naivety, blind stupidity or a lack of self-worth, but I hadn’t banked on the impact. At least not really. I think Jodie's comment probably sums up the group emotion.

"I had to question why I felt tearful...was it because of the hope you and your place gave me, was it that singular yet amazing day spent with you there, was it my fear that you would be lost without that place, was it fear that all beautiful places are at the same risk and nowhere can be paradise and safe? All of these."

This was pretty much the skein of my own thoughts, too. Though of course, by the time I wrote about it, I’d had two months to integrate the situation, hadn’t I? It was already past tense for me. For you, the excavator was chomping outside your door, there and then. It was brutal.

Then I noticed something beautiful has transpired. It’s called community. Thank you, each and every one of you, for participating with me in it. I so enjoy your company. (Big words for a hermit:))

So without further ado, let’s get this straight vis-à-vis my land: Believe it or not, I am not face down in the dirt, fists scrunched, beating the ground and wailing. Though I did shake my fist at the excavator driver and lecture him on the souls of trees (he looked mortified). I also spent the first week wandering about like a refugee. But since then it has been a little odd. Because as soon as my mind was shunted from one rail of perspective onto another, the sorrow evaporated and excitement prevailed. I pondered on this. Was this because I’m a callous witch? Didn't I care about my land? Had I spent the past five years imagining our connection?

No! Each day since I've talked to the trees, absorbing the light on the leaves, hearing them, hugging them, imbibing each precious moment. Then I remembered a phenomenon the psychiatrist Irvin Yalom observed:

“We found strong evidence that many of the widows who had the best marriages went through the bereavement and detachment process more easily than those who had a deeply conflicted one.” (Momma and the meaning of Life)

Yes Irv. That’s right. And I know why. There’s no regret.

Nothing has topped the joy I’ve felt here on this space. There is not an ounce of remorse, not one single point where I wished I'd done something, but didn't. Nearly every minute here was (and is) incredible. Even the terrifying challenges were incredible. This land completed me. It breathed life into me. My home is a mud womb. I’ve gestated, and I’m about to descend the birth canal. There is no grief in this. People don’t grieve births, they grieve deaths. And they grieve lives never lived.

Now, had I spent £100 000 or dollars on my house, had I mortgaged myself to the hilt, had I compromised my soul and spent years grafting miserably to purchase a patch of ephemeral security, had I perceived the past five years as some sort of sacrificial lamb for a dream future, I’d probably be grieving. Hard.

What I feel at the moment is gratitude. Alright, alright, there are a few spadefuls of trepidation too. Yet this I know: Our planet is a propitious wonderland. It possesses powers and gifts we don’t even vaguely understand. I've no idea what my land is exactly, or why it behaves the way it does. All I know is, it has filled me to the brim with a light and a love that make me carefree. I’m profoundly grateful. An unprecedented desire has developed. I want to take that light and plant it elsewhere. Spread it. Grow it. Meanwhile, some other charmed soul will now be able to come here and experience their own adventure. And that is so very Mother Nature, isn't it? Grow. Bud. Drop fruit. Seed. Grow.

So here's the plan.

At this moment, I intend to let go of my land to the right person, buy a van, customise the interior and travel with my dog around Europe for a while. Even the thought of tyres turning on tarmac, the freedom and the unknown, sets me on fire. 

Yet visions are the easy part, aren’t they? It’s when you start living them that your mettle is tested. Who knows? Perhaps life has other plans for me. It may take a while for this to arise. It may not. ​And yes, the idea of stepping out from this cosy bill-free den of abundance, and into the real world is a little terrifying. But since when has anything of any value ever been achieved without the odd bitten nail?

I owe my land many things: I’m not the person I was when I arrived here. Now I possess a brand new skill set, new drive and strength. Certainly, I feel younger than when I arrived. Before too long, I shall find another patch of Gaia, more remote, wilder, and live this adventure again. Oh let me build more mud dreams, create a mud palace and another beautiful world! Let me meet more animals and trees and spirits. Because it is a game. A magical, divine game. I am privileged to be able to play it. We all are.

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34 Comments
Iman
11/5/2016 12:37:28 pm

You have written this so incredibly beautifully. Right now, I am in the opposite stage to you, as in going into the wilderness rather than coming out of it, and I feel great joy when I read your descriptions of what the land has allowed you to be a part of. As we both step into an adventurous future, I am excited about what it will bring!!!

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Atulya
11/5/2016 03:54:23 pm

Oh the beginning is exquisite! Each step is amazing. Good luck Iman. I'd love to hear how you get on.

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April Leasa link
1/9/2018 05:17:43 pm

Paul Kingsnorth's article is excellent. Thanks for sharing that.

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Philippa Rees link
11/5/2016 12:43:19 pm

Brave, brave woman! To refuse grief. Yet I have some for? Not your departure but perhaps for what your dream accomplished for me. I envied that utter liberation, integration with everything of importance, and the courage to prove you could. I can't help feeling your land will grieve your absence, so its new occupant is critical. Blessings! Thank you for what you did for each and all of us.

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Atulya
11/5/2016 04:04:25 pm

Philippa! Hello there. You know what? I'm not sure the land will grieve my absence, because I think it wants to grow, too:) And I also think it will attract the perfect person. Let's see. Something has shifted here though. Not sure what. But as for me...I hope I didn't speak too soon. Who knows how I'll feel when I actually leave? (That's when the trepidation sets in:))

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Karuna
11/5/2016 01:21:16 pm

It was good to hear from you, I have been wondering how you were. You are such an inspiration Atulya. Your strength, your determination, your fearlessness beauty and intelligence. Thank you for your powerful words. Good luck with your next adventure. I hope to meet up with you somewhere in Europe. Blessings Karuna

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Atulya
11/5/2016 04:05:26 pm

Wow thanks Karuna! Would love to see you again, wherever you are.

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Graham
11/5/2016 02:56:30 pm

I don't know how I missed your previous post, but on seeing the first sentence of this one thought I'd better go back a step and read that one first! After discovering your site whilst researching earthbag for my own mountain paradise, aptly(?) named by the first white settlers Mt Terrible (my interpretation is "terribly beautiful"), I have become enthralled by your descriptions of your adventure. Your wisdom and ability to see not only positives, but new directions and lessons in all that happens serves as constant reminder to listen to my own heart. I continue to be moved and inspired by your writings. Peace and strength, Gra.

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Atulya
11/5/2016 04:08:40 pm

Ha ha Mt Terrible. Brilliant! Thank you so much for this comment Graham. Did you make an earthbag house in the end?

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Graham
12/5/2016 10:59:04 am

G'day Atulya, no, I haven't started building yet, but have done a small excavation by hand to do a trial earthbag windbreak/seat to protect my outdoor deck/bed. Things move slowly on Mt Terrible which annoys the hell out of some of the people close to me, but that's the way it needs to be as if I had built what I thought I wanted years ago, the debt and associated stress would be unpleasant. Evolve with the land. Best wishes for your unfolding plans, Gra.

Helen
11/5/2016 04:53:05 pm

Best of luck with your new adventures!

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Atulya
13/5/2016 08:07:01 pm

Cheers Helen!

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Sara Crowe
11/5/2016 05:30:18 pm

Wander until the road brings you to where you need to be, as it surely shall. xx

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Atulya
13/5/2016 08:08:23 pm

I think Rotty would like Finn:)

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Sarah link
11/5/2016 06:47:23 pm

Love your words! My land just found me in central portugal - its beautiful there and very affordable. If you have any questions or ever want to come visit, drop me a line!

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Atulya
13/5/2016 08:09:27 pm

Well Portugal is on my list so who knows? Thanks for the offer. Nice site by the way, right up my street:)

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Debbie
12/5/2016 01:45:55 am

It takes the same type of person to build an earthbag house on top of a mountain as it does to leave that house and start a new adventure. I love you! You have chosen happiness on your own terms, no matter where that takes you....hopefully it will take you to Canada!

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Atulya
13/5/2016 08:10:52 pm

Debbie! Insallah, as we say over here. I'd love to see Canada. So many friends all over the world. I'm so lucky!

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Ed
12/5/2016 06:24:15 am

Oh! The next stage in life, the changes are amazing for the soul.
When your world becomes grey, go find a brighter place. The unknown makes one feel so alive.
Lucky you!

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Atulya
13/5/2016 08:11:39 pm

Yes we need the unknown. We really do. That comfort zone is a killer.

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Ed
15/5/2016 05:51:43 am

Ya know, It reminds me of every time there is a change in my neighborhood or hideaway that things will never stay the same. Well maybe things shouldn't stay the same. New neighbors are just that in our lives, changes we need to make us grow and adjust.
I always remind myself, I can't buy every piece of land around me, so I have to adjust or move on. Mostly I adjust. So, maybe it's not the new neighbors. Sometimes we need to give it time, or we were really just waiting for a reason to leave. Ether way we change.

Atulya
15/5/2016 01:10:59 pm

In reply to your last comment. Exactly! And I did call for change. I wasn't anticipating it to be this dramatic, but obviously something unconscious within me wanted it. As you said, we can't control everything by buying up all the frontiers. Change comes. And we grow.

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Ed
15/5/2016 11:31:57 pm

I only found your site, and started following your blog a few months ago. To tell you the truth, I wondered how long you could last on Mud Mountain. Well it didn't take long to find out. I will miss Mud Mountain blog, and the anticipation of seeing you overcoming all the challenges of your life there. I hope you find whatever you are looking for. Most of all I hope you find peace in yourself.
But damned you Atulya for leaving. It will be a little greyer without you there.

kina55
12/5/2016 09:26:02 am

Interesting...is it really possible on a planet of 7 billion increasing humans to really get away from it, from the destruction, from the banking system, from the insidious and gradual degradation of parts of the biosphere we can rejoice in...I think not....until we find a space within the staus quo..somewhere that enables us to contribute to normal (hah!) life and move it someways...lay the foundations for our own security, preferably with others to help as we decline the use of fossil fuels at the current level of use...and within that security and village foment an undercurrent of not so obvious revolution....the only way in my view....

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Atulya
13/5/2016 08:15:26 pm

Yes, this is a huge topic. And one I've thought a lot about over the past 5 years...It's the subject of what will be my third book in The Mud series. Can we ever be independent? Can we escape? And if not, how do we influence the outside?

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Hans link
12/5/2016 09:27:59 am

If you can exchange for a house van You will be much more secure Than when you arrived with a tent.
Because of plans of sme interested in apprenticing on my land I have been following the tiny house on wheels movement. [acronym TOW]
I am sure many of your readers would follow if you write about how you build out your mobile home to find a new home.

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Atulya
13/5/2016 08:16:46 pm

Yes, that's what I thought Hans. A van is a major upgrade from my $50 Carrefour tent. Should be a breeze eh? :)

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kina55 link
13/5/2016 09:54:29 pm

Critical thinking, I'm afraid we all need a completely new 'narrative' to lead decent' lives and allow other organisms to remain with us on this livable orb in space..am in the process of obtaining 5000 PP bags for some interesting projects here with piles of dirt stacked up on a property that badly needs more people within a community that needs to change but is supportive of the people that can contribute...agreeing on a vision has to be the start point

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Chimonger
14/5/2016 07:51:54 am

Your stories of your adventures have been a breath of fresh air!
The very soul of the land merged with yours, and you gave it form and voice; you were a wonderful advocate, while you could be that.
Others following your stories, have lived and dreamed vicariously through your adventures, yearning for something like what you managed to achieve.
So glad you are able to process the leaving of that wonderful place; that has to be a challenge, a growing.
Seems LOTS of people in many places, are experiencing huge changes in their lives, even only the past few months.
How well anyone does processing and optimizing changes, determines whether they survive, or thrive.
May you keep on thriving!
Bet we'd all love to keep up with your adventures!

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Atulya
19/5/2016 10:16:44 pm

Thanks so much Chimonger for your words about giving my land a voice. That's very dear to me.

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Paula
18/5/2016 12:47:53 pm

in my own uprooted almost internetless world i had missed the bulldozer post! I am sad, & i find you really so brave. Non attachment, it;s hard. It is still sinking in Kerry. Who knows where this world is taking us. See you on the road girl xx

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Atulya
19/5/2016 10:17:23 pm

Paula, we have much to catch up on me thinks:)

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Christine link
19/5/2016 08:35:19 pm

You may abhor the idea of being a landlord, but maybe you'd like to rent out your place for awhile first, for the income factor? Tho I've never owned, I can't wait to dig roots in but also have that neighbor, perfect place to consider where I'm going. Looking & awaiting a sale too, knowing Divine Timing leads us when we are open & aware. And that whatever we resist persists…well, all the natural laws apply! Keep us posted of your adventures, particularly if you end up in the States & want to assist in a build, likely in TN :)

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Atulya
6/6/2016 11:14:18 pm

Hi Christine, yes a few people have suggested that, but it's just too precious to rent. It simply wouldn't be the same for me. I'm an all or nothing kinda woman, I'm afraid:) And yes, who knows where I'll end up. If I make it your way, I'll certainly let you know!

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    Atulya K Bingham

    Back in 2011, I found myself camping alone on a remote Turkish hill. There was no power or water on the land. It was the start of an adventure that profoundly changed my beliefs about what is enjoyable, or possible...

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